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bEmyESCAPEx3
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Name: morgan
Gender: Female
Interests: john.. always, music, the sky, peace, friends, love, rain, sunshine, and movies,
Expertise: living
Message: message me
Member Since:
5/16/2005
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| so its not as long as i thought i'd wait to write in here, but who can really ever stop with xanga? this thing is the best. :) haha. i don't intend to have anyone read this, i just want to get these thoughts out of me so i don't have to keep them bottled up. i have all these internal struggles with who i am and where my life is and where its going. i used to be such a different person, now i'm cynical, realistic, angry, frustrated, and filled with hate. i walk around with a constant grimace.. i hate being here. i listen to underground rap, drive a car that is fast and crazy, i have strong opinions, i intimidate, i'm MEAN.. people don't know this but i've changed so much. i find new reasons to hate people each day, i get angry, i'm a jealous person to some extent, i'm the biggest bitch.. i'm disgusted by everything around me, but deep down i'm just waiting for something better.. im so hopeful. i find beauty in the smallest things and don't tell anybody. only a few things make me truly happy, or even find their way into my heart.. these things are things that cannot love me back, because i don't put my heart or my trust into something that has the ability to hurt me. nobody knows me or the depth of my thoughts.. but i'm always thinking about these things. i don't like to talk anymore, and that's partly the reason that i'm writing in here.. people will ask me about many things, and i'll say "i don't want to talk about it". i don't like to explain myself, or defend myself. i dont like telling stories either. i have huge dreams and im scared they won't come true. i come off like i have no fears.. and even i thought i didnt until i realized i do. i have been with john for 4 years on and off and i realize why i can't break away from him. i'm scared that i'll lose my safety net and i'll never find someone as good as him. i'm scared that someone won't love me as much as he does. i'm scared i'll have to open up to someone new. i CANT. i don't trust anyone, even him (fully), and trusting someone else with my heart is not going to happen. i'm terrified of letting go because i have nothing left. i'm also scared because he was my first real love, and because i've been with him for so long, i don't know anything different. i'm afraid that all guys will act the same as him in some regards. i don't know what to expect from a man, and i don't know what's expected from me. i'm tired of writing.. i think this helped. i have too many thoughts in my head. | | |
| wow it's been a while! i always seem to find my way back to xanga like a year after my last post. haha. who looks at these anymore? well it doesn't matter, because i look at what i wrote a year ago and i laugh. anyways, life is twisted. right now i'm still deeply in love with my jmoney and we're going out but he's like 3,000 miles away and i miss him more than anything :( i wish he was here with me, i don't know how this will work in the end, but i'm hoping for the best. :-\ meh. i feel like these days are just like a waiting room. i know where i want to end up (nyc/mexico).. so why do i have to wait here? ugh. and a huge issue on my mind, that's just KILLING me.. is PROM. who the fuck am i going to take?! AH. this is not okay. note to self: i canNOT go alone. in one year from now i'll be in college, how WEIRD. i'll be out of this house and school, and state! living in a completely different manner. it's so weird! anyways this is long enough for me to get a good laugh at in a year so see ya later, whoever is reading this.. and to my future self. it's been real.. haha
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| i can NOT wait for mexico. i feel like its the one place where i can forget all my problems and relax. its my favorite place in the world and i could not imagine spending more than a year away from it. god im so excited. :] ill take lots of pictures to show you how gay my family is.. and how beautiful my homeland is.. haha. this week is going to drag on forever.. if it weren't for playoffs, i don't know how i'd get through. [COMEONDEVILS!!] speaking of which, ill be in mexico for the (possible) game 6 and game 7.. so im going to have to listen to that ish on the internet radio... which sucks. id rather watch itt : ( .. but whatever. we diehards know how to get by. we do what we have to do. MEXICOOOOOOOO HERE I COME!! =D | | |
| democracy of hypocrisy, divided states of embarrasment.
sometimes i really think i'm going mad. maybe i'm just a weird person, and getting weirder. it's alright with me because i like my life weird, it makes it a little more interesting, but i'd like to know why it's happening. whatever, as long as you all know that i can be serious/normal.. sometimes. haha
life's good, i love you jmoney
i'm over me being under you
i'm breaking free i'm breaking through
i've overcome all i'm underneath
i can finally stand, i can finally breathe
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